Favorite journal entries from the pits of HELL...
(and trust me when I say, there's more where this came from)

*  Don't believe male "friends" when they say they want to invest in your film.  What they're really saying is "I'm trying to impress you so maybe you'll go out with me."  (This can actually apply to both sexes.)

*  Wisely give up pipe dreams of shooting on-location in Kansas with a no-budget film.  Note:  Should you disregard the above advice, by all means bring an L.A. crew and enough dough to pay off Farmer Bob's south forty.

*  Completely disregard "producers" who think you mean under 50 million when you say that the budget for your little independent film is under fifty.

*  Also completely disregard those who scoff at you for even thinking of attempting to shoot a film for under $35,000, in eleven days, with at least fifteen locations, a skeleton crew, and not one known actor.  However, should you want to impress these same people, tell them you're shooting 35mm and have at least one of the kids from "Different Strokes" lined up to play the lead.

*  Should the first DP bail on you for a better gig in Morocco, and the second one grossly miss quotes camera & grip equipment rentals and can't remember your film from another one he's working on...don't worry, the third DP's the charm.  She will cut her New Hampshire vacation short and prepare to shoot your film in less than a week.

*  If you are a female director, people expect you to cry on the set.  Don't.  They will be pleasantly surprised.  Note:  Although, it is okay to have a quiet moment by yourself should you wreck your boyfriend's car on the way to the set.

*  If an out-of-work, psychotic actor threatens to kill your boyfriend and sue you over your little independent film, think of it as a juicy scandal and therefore, free publicity!

*  If your make-up artist's  philosophy is, "a D- is not failing," you should make a mental note not to hire him on your next project.

*  If your 1st AD (with the initials JW who lives in Orange County) sheepishly e-mails you five days before the shoot that he is having a career change and can no longer be a part of your project, never fear... have your lead actors take a stab at the job, and just know that you can make note of his obvious betrayal by telling this story with his full name at any opportune moment.  Oh, and still feel free to use his uncle's house for a location.

*  When film supply houses (the term "supply" is used loosely here) claim they have 24hr. emergency service, pretty much consider this false advertising.

*  Two words for telecine...RANK WEAVE.  (Do NOT use B&W in Burbank.  Poor service & poor quality do not make for a lovely experience.)

*  If you need to film video and can't afford 24fps playbacks and all those other groovy gadgets, simply shoot off the little LCD monitor on your Hi-8 that you got for Christmas.  Thanks Dad!

*  Most importantly, take Mulder's advice..."trust no one!"